it must be that time of year

Tonight was spent mostly making lists of ways to stay in France next year after my visa expires, and researching various possibilities. I am going to try to renew the assistantship again, although it's highly unlikely I'll slip through the cracks a second time. I'm looking into master's programs, as getting a student visa seems to be the easiest option, although the last thing I want is to return to school. I still have anxiety dreams about high school at least once a week. I can only imagine the basket case I would become if I go back to school. In French, no less!

I'm also looking into other visa options, such as the autoentrepreneur status, and the commerçant visa, etc. I've been making lists of things to do, questions to ask, dates to visit the bureaucratic underworld of Paris, and reading the Sorbonne's sites on masters in education. I did pop .125 grams of Klonopin to ease the process, but it still makes me tense.

I realized that, while tonight I'm definitely anxious, the past few months have been blissfully stress-free. No longer being a sans papiers is MUCH easier, but it's not just that. The last few years I've gotten really depressed around this time of year, and I feel none of that this winter. I think a large part of it is due to my upcoming trip home to New York. Every year since moving here, in 2006, I've regretted not celebrating my birthday (February 19th, which is normally during February vacation) back in New York with my friends. But I've never done anything about it. This year, I planned things out so that I would go home in February, and it has made a world of difference to my mental and physical health. Having something to look forward to has made this a peaceful winter. I know I'm jinxing it*, but I haven't gotten sick once yet. Last year at this time I'd had bronchitis twice and was headed for a third time. Yikes. 

Almost exactly a year ago today I wrote a long sad post about not knowing what was going to happen with my life, and my unease at the precarious position I was in. I do firmly believe that everything will work out in the end; it normally does. But I find it interesting that the end of January is my "gah! the future is upon me!" time. Luckily this year my visa is valid through September 30th, so I'm ahead of the curve. As long as I stay on top of my planning, and one of my four potential options works out, I'll be here for another year.

Of course, I'll then have to restart the search again, six months later, to guarantee ANOTHER year here. It would be nice to find a visa that would give me multiple years at once . . . but nothing is perfect. Except that crêpe au caramel au beurre salée I had in Tours last weekend. YUM.

Speaking of yum, oddly enough tonight I was craving brownies. I say odd because I haven't thought about the fudgey deliciousness of brownies from a mix in months. And then, while looking for the previous link to January 2009, I came across this post from January 2008, wherein I mention a brownie craving. Am I living and writing in an perpetual loop?

EDIT: reinforcing the idea that I am living in a perpetual loop, this entry from February 2009 was titled "it's that time of year." The post talks about how, since moving to France, I get depressed in the winter. I very obviously need new material.

*Please don't jinx me, please don't jinx me!

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